While You Were Outpatients: An Ongoing Investigation

[lune ellise]

My favorite part is Dave thinking about the quadratic formula.

Isn't it hilarious? LMAO! He came close in Grounded: that infinity reference is soooo geeky

What would a geeky Dave look like? On to His Holeyness!

[Sandrine]

I'm more of a lurker than an avid poster here but I just want to say that your little story is hysterical. Dave's inner monologue had me in stitches.

Keep it up!

[pathorses]

Priceless!! You got to keep it up..........
Pat

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 5: Grave Dancers Union Jack


"We're sorry to detain you here at the airport, Mr. B------, but we just have to ask you a few questions."

"Oh, I understand. Post 9-11 security and all."

"Um, something like that. Say, that's a cool t-shirt. Andy Warhol, right?"

"Well, it's based on an Andy Warhol design, but look closer and see? It's actually photos of Dave Pirner in an Andy Warhol-style montage."

"Um, that's very… interesting."

"Thanks! It’s not an official Soul Asylum tour shirt or anything. I made this one myself because Soul Asylum shirts are so hard to come by. I got the idea when I was in Pittsburgh for the Fourth of July show and one of my friends dragged me to the Andy Warhol Museum. Then I remembered hearing a friend of a friend of someone who went to school with one of Karl's cousins say that Soul Asylum had considered doing a pop art design for one of their early show flyers…so it all just clicked, really. I researched old photos of Dave from the early 90s to find the most iconic image, obtained the original, secured the copyright, located a graphic designer who specializes in this sort of thing, then contacted a couple dozen t-shirt printers until I found one who was willing to do small runs at a reasonable price, and after only a few prototypes, I got colors that I was happy with. It really wasn't any trouble."

"Okay, well…this won’t take long. We've noticed you've been going in and out of the United States rather frequently over the past couple of years."

"Haven't lots of people from the U.K. been doing that? I mean, with the exchange rates and all, it's been pretty cheap to travel here."

"Well yes, but most people travel to places like New York or Chicago or Miami. A disproportionate amount of your trips have been to… Minneapolis. And am I correct that you traveled to Sheboygan…for some sort of sausage celebration?"

"Oh good show, that. Although Dave promised me he'd play Standing Water and he hasn’t done it yet."

"And did that make you angry? Is that why you've been coming back? To get Dave to make good on that promise?"

"Oh, that would be brilliant! But I just enjoy the shows, really, whatever they play."

"So you’ve been making all these trips just for Soul Asylum shows?"

“Well, yeah, that's been the main reason. But of course I do other sightseeing while I'm here. You'd have to be crazy not to.”

"Right, you mentioned the Andy Warhol Museum."

"Well, aside from giving me the inspiration for my t-shirt, what a bloody waste of time that was. But yeah sure, I go to cultural attractions. I've been to the Minnesota History Center, for example."

"I hear they have a tremendous collection of immigrant oral histories."

"Mmmm, wouldn't know about that, really. But the archives are amazing! Would you believe they have five boxes of Soul Asylum material?"

"You spent one of your vacation days wading through five archive boxes of Soul Asylum stuff?"

"No, of course not!"

"Okay, I didn't think that sounded ri…."

"You couldn't possibly do it justice in one day!! I should be able to put a good dent in it this trip, and then I’m hoping I’ll finally finish when I come back in December. I hear they have the straw that Dave was chewing on when he first said 'Never, forever, whatever'! Of course, that might just be an urban legend. Still… wouldn't it be something if it were true?"

"How could you be sure it wasn’t just some generic chewed up straw?"

"Are you daft? I’d be able to recognize Dave's bite radius, of course."

"Of course."

"Mind you, there is some stuff that’s a little more ambiguous. I found some petrified mouse droppings at the bottom of one box, without a label on them. I didn't know if they were actually associated with the band or if it's just because the boxes hadn't been taken out in a while. But I like to think they’re from Karl's mother’s garage."

"Um, I'm sure the archivist would like to think that too."

"Can you keep a secret?" (Looks around to make sure no one's listening)

"Mr. B-------, you should be forthcoming with any and all information."

"When the archivist wasn't looking, I slipped one into my wallet!"

"I really wish you didn't tell me that."

"Oh no! Because you have to report me?"

"No, because it's disgusting. But it's out of my jurisdiction. Let's return to the matter at hand. So what other Minneapolis attractions have you been to during these visits?"

"Well, I saw the Soul Asylum star on the wall at First Avenue. Couldn’t miss that, of course. And, oh yeah… I think I found the school that Danny and Karl attended. That was cool… although I was a little disappointed not to find any graffiti that I could link to them. And I scraped through quite a few layers of paint, too, I must say! Bit of a disappointment, but my trips have been so full that I can't really complain."

"Well, that all sounds innocent enough. Where are you staying while you're in town?"

"Oh, I found a place in the Uptown neighborhood."

"Nice. It's really beautiful by the lakes."

"Lakes? Oh, right. Say, do you know if there's a bookstore here at the airport?"

"I'm sure there is. But I'm surprised you want to spend your holiday reading a book when there's so much archival material to look through!"

"Always good to have a book to pass the time on a stakeou… I mean, while waiting for a bus or something."

"Well, I think that covers everything. Goodbye Mr. B------. Enjoy your stay. We'll be in touch if we need you."


Later…

"What do you think?"

"Well, he's a little eccentric, but he is British. What do you expect?"

"I agree. He's harmless. Let's cross him off the list and move on."



To be continued

[CrazyLittleWoman]

This is great, Miss Fitt! I particularly enjoyed the passage about the mice droppings.

My favorite part, though, was this:

I hear they have the straw that Dave was chewing on when he first said 'Never, forever, whatever'! Of course, that might just be an urban legend. Still… wouldn't it be something if it were true?"

"How could you be sure it wasn’t just some generic chewed up straw?"

"Are you daft? I’d be able to recognize Dave's bite radius, of course."

Looking forward to the next installment!

[lune ellise]

Keep it up, Miss Fitt! I am really looking forward for the next chapters (I set my CP to auto refresh this forum...)

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 6: Punk Sock


(On stage)

I wonder what this intro would sound like in D? Fuck. Did I just play that out loud? Looks like it's going to be do-overs.

Hey… there's that girl again. I wonder where her friend is -- the one who always seems to be in two places at the same time. It's kind of freaky. Wait… what's she holding? Is that some kind of weapon?

"Aw shucks."

(backstage)

"Dave just gave the signal!" (Into walkie talkie) "Rhinestone Cowboy? Come in, Rhinestone Cowboy."

"Rhinestone Cowboy here."

"We've got a Code Orange. I can't get a clear view. Can you get a close-up on stage left and tell me what you see?"

"I'm on it." (crackle, crackle) "Quick, pan right. A little more. Okay, hold there." (crackle, hiss) "Got it. It looks like….wait… is that what I think it is? Yep. All clear, Ben. It's just a pair of socks."

"Tube socks or dress?"

"Hold on, let me zoom." (crackle, pop) "Looks like some sort of novelty sock. Um, the colors are a bit loud, but I don’t think they pose any kind of immediate threat."

"Do you think she might hurl them?"

"There's always that risk, but if you want my professional opinion she doesn’t fit the profile." (crackle) "I suspect she’ll either just place them on the stage or else try to hand them directly to Dave."

"If she hands them to Dave, any risk of collateral damage?"

"Nah. They’re a soft knit."

"Roger that."

(Gives thumbs up to stage)

Whew. All clear. Hey, what's Benny signaling now? Can't quite make it out. Wait... I've almost got it… Oh boy, socks! Guess I'll solo on over in that direction.

(accepts gift)

"Aw shucks, you're much too kind." Whooops, guess I shouldn't have said that.

"Fuck! Dave signaled again. The socks must have been loaded. Move in! Move, Move!" Wait… Dave is scratching his nose with his left hand. Dammit! "False alarm. Stand back! I repeat, stand back." Aaaaargh, too late! Must… improvise.


Later…

"Hey, Benny. That was quick thinking with the mosh pit."

"You don't think it seemed out of place during See You Later?"

"Nah. It shows the band hasn't lost its punk rock cred."

"Thanks. It's just that these ETSA fans have me on edge. And a lot of them know who I am now, and they ask me questions."

"Just pretend you're talking to an engineer about a technical difficulty. That's what I do. This headset I'm wearing doesn’t even work."

"Good idea! I'll try it. Anyway… at least we made it through tonight without incident."



To be continued

[CrazyLittleWoman]

"Hey, Benny. That was quick thinking with the mosh pit."

"You don't think it seemed out of place during See You Later?"

"Nah. It shows the band hasn't lost its punk rock cred."

Brilliant!

[philipgar]

Judith,
when this is all said and done, you should print out a copy of this and bring it to Benny. I doubt any of the band members would have a clue what any of it is about, but I think Benny's gotten to know enough of us by now that he'd get a kick out of it.

Phil

[sayeeda]

Love it! Keep 'em coming Judith!