While You Were Outpatients: An Ongoing Investigation

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 9: Veil of Puppeteers


"Just when I thought we were at a dead end. This is serious. Look what I found in this abandoned duffel bag."

"A pair of socks? Big deal. It's probably another gift."

"These aren't just any socks. Look closer."

"I don't see anything unusual. Wait… are those… button eyes?"

"Bingo. And look what we found in another compartment."

"Colorful felt squares!"

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what happens when you combine those ingredients."

"Sweet Jesus. Sock puppets!!"

"Yep. This is the handiwork of an extremist. Maybe even a… Davist. Here I started to believe that they were all so innocent and now I'm afraid it could be even much more sinister than I originally thought."

"But can socks really be that dangerous?"

"You haven't known Dave long, have you? Ha ha. Anyway, stop dismissing these as just socks. They're sock puppets! It's like comparing a super soaker to a loaded Uzi. Don't you remember the Internet bubble and the Pets.com sock puppet?"

"Sure! I loved the Pets.com puppet!"

"You and a million other people. And while everyone mistook him for a delightful mascot, he was really a cold, calculating ring leader who masterminded one of the most catastrophic meltdowns in our country's history."

"You're not saying he was responsible for the dotcom crash? I thought that was the result of irrational exuberance by greedy CEOs whose hubris fooled them into thinking they could exploit the free market with startups built on get-rich-quick schemes, and the overeager venture capitalists who negotiated IPOs based on no real business plan with the blessing of corrupt Wall Street analysts."

"No. (Shaking head grimly) It was the puppet."

"But what do you think they could possibly have planned?"

"There's no way of knowing, but we can't wait to find out."

(Woman enters)

"Hey! What are you guys doing with my bag?"

"It's the Davist! Restrain her!"

"What the hell is a Davist?? Get your hands off me!"

"Nice try, Davist! Your plan has been foiled."

"What plan? I'm performing tonight!"

"Performing? What are you talking about? Soul Asylum is playing tonight. Wait, there's Benny. He'll know what to do."

"Benny, this woman claims she's performing, but we think she's one of those ETSA outpatients. And she's armed!...Or… footed. I'm not really sure how you operate this sock artillery."

"You guys are out of your minds. Let go of me!" (Pointing) Look! It's listed right there on the bill."

(Benny looks at sign)

"Dammit! How many times have I told them -- It's supposed to be Soul Asylum first, Sock Puppet Show second."

(Releasing woman) "Gosh, I hope they get a bigger dressing room than the puppets."


To be continued

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 10: The Unusual Suspects


"Okay, I know that puppet made a mockery of our investigation, but we have to shake it off. Any other suspects we should check out?"

"Sure. We’ve got a list a mile long."

"Let's see what you've got."

"Okay, first up, there's a faction that we're watching. They call themselves the 'Traveling Sisterhood of the Holy Jeans.' "

“Some sort of ETSA radical wing, no doubt. You have to be careful with those religious fanatics. They aren’t governed by rational thought."

"We've actually got some surveillance video of them from the concert in St. Louis if you want to check it out."

“Absolutely. Bring it up on the monitor.”

“Hmmmm. It certainly does seem like they’re in a state of religious ecstacy -- the way they’re weeping, dancing with abandon, and tearing at their hair.”

“And hold on… check this out… right here. Note how the wailing reaches a fever pitch during the chorus of Bittersweetheart?”

“Is that one of them fainting?”

“Yep. I've researched it – it's apparently some sort of devotional swoon.”

"But it's the jeans they worship, you say?"

"That would appear to be the case. If you ask me, their plan is to try and get Dave out of those pants."

"Better keep an eye on them. What else ya got?"

"Well there's this Norma character. She has a strangely masculine way about her… that’s what first raised my suspicions. I think we may be dealing with another quick-change artist. In fact, I think she might actually be a double agent that has infiltrated the group. She appears to be conducting her own investigation that goes all the way back to the mid-80s. Check these out.”

“Interesting. She's certainly got some very detailed records.”

“If we play our cards right, we might be able to pool our resources, but first I need to know what her game is."

"Any ideas for how you might establish contact?"

"I was thinking of sending her a PM asking about the last time Ain't that Tough was played in concert."

"Hmmmm... might be too obvious." (Snaps fingers) "I've got it! Hop on one of the regular discussion threads and casually remark that Ain't that Tough hasn't been played since 1992."

(Consulting notes)

"But I don't think that's right."

"Exactly. She'll show herself faster than you can say 'Runaway Train.' "

“Got it.”

“Okay, anything else?

“Well, I’m a little concerned about these Davist training camps."

"Training camps?"

“Yeah. Seems to be some sort of recruitment program. Some of these residents are schoolgirls for god's sake. They weren’t even born when Soul Asylum released their first few albums.”

“Schoolgirls, huh? I’m gonna need a minute to… uh.. consider the implications.”

(long pause)

“Sir? Sir?”

“Just a sec.”

“You're picturing Gogo, too, aren't you, sir?”

"Uh, sorry about that. Okay, I'm back now. So… from what you're telling me, this investigation could take years."

“Yeah, but here's the thing… none of them actually seem dangerous. Aside from some questionable baked goods, garish hosiery, and an ill-conceived gnome, what kind of harm has really been done?”

“Good point."

"And look how long this Norma's been at it. If she hasn't uncovered anything, maybe there's nothing there."

"Hmmmm. Maybe we can put this on the backburner. We can always resume our investigation if there's a new development."

[Twiddly Dee]

Awww...thanks so much Judith for the shout out!! And your right about those jeans..if he ever puts them on ebay, I would definantly snatch them up!!

One of the sisters,

Rusty

[pathorses]

Chapter 10: The Unusual Suspects


"Okay, I know that puppet made a mockery of our investigation, but we have to shake it off. Any other suspects we should check out?"

"Sure. We’ve got a list a mile long."

"Let's see what you've got."

"Okay, first up, there's a faction that we're watching. They call themselves the 'Traveling Sisterhood of the Holy Jeans.' "

“Some sort of ETSA radical wing, no doubt. You have to be careful with those religious fanatics. They aren’t governed by rational thought."

"We've actually got some surveillance video of them from the concert in St. Louis if you want to check it out."

“Absolutely. Bring it up on the monitor.”

“Hmmmm. It certainly does seem like they’re in a state of religious ecstacy -- the way they’re weeping, dancing with abandon, and tearing at their hair.”

“And hold on… check this out… right here. Note how the wailing reaches a fever pitch during the chorus of Bittersweetheart?”

“Is that one of them fainting?”

“Yep. I've researched it – it's apparently some sort of devotional swoon.”

"But it's the jeans they worship, you say?"

"That would appear to be the case. If you ask me, their plan is to try and get Dave out of those pants."

"Better keep an eye on them. What else ya got?"

"Well there's this Norma character. She has a strangely masculine way about her… that’s what first raised my suspicions. I think we may be dealing with another quick-change artist. In fact, I think she might actually be a double agent that has infiltrated the group. She appears to be conducting her own investigation that goes all the way back to the mid-80s. Check these out.”

“Interesting. She's certainly got some very detailed records.”

“If we play our cards right, we might be able to pool our resources, but first I need to know what her game is."

"Any ideas for how you might establish contact?"

"I was thinking of sending her a PM asking about the last time Ain't that Tough was played in concert."

"Hmmmm... might be too obvious." (Snaps fingers) "I've got it! Hop on one of the regular discussion threads and casually remark that Ain't that Tough hasn't been played since 1992."

(Consulting notes)

"But I don't think that's right."

"Exactly. She'll show herself faster than you can say 'Runaway Train.' "

“Got it.”

“Okay, anything else?

“Well, I’m a little concerned about these Davist training camps."

"Training camps?"

“Yeah. Seems to be some sort of recruitment program. Some of these residents are schoolgirls for god's sake. They weren’t even born when Soul Asylum released their first few albums.”

“Schoolgirls, huh? I’m gonna need a minute to… uh.. consider the implications.”

(long pause)

“Sir? Sir?”

“Just a sec.”

“You're picturing Gogo, too, aren't you, sir?”

"Uh, sorry about that. Okay, I'm back now. So… from what you're telling me, this investigation could take years."

“Yeah, but here's the thing… none of them actually seem dangerous. Aside from some questionable baked goods, garish hosiery, and an ill-conceived gnome, what kind of harm has really been done?”

“Good point."

"And look how long this Norma's been at it. If she hasn't uncovered anything, maybe there's nothing there."

"Hmmmm. Maybe we can put this on the backburner. We can always resume our investigation if there's a new development."

This might just be my favorite yet.........nice way to feature Norma aka Todd!
Pat

[pathorses]

Oh yeah, nice way to feature the "Sisterhood", too...I'm definitely a member!

[CrazyLittleWoman]

Hey, Judith, I'm honored to be "under investigation." I thought Twiddly Dee and I had already had cameos as:

Hmmm, those chicks near the monitor look a little psycho. I could swear that one on the right is burning holes in my jeans with her eyes.

So, thanks for the special mention in your story.

Awww...thanks so much Judith for the shout out!! And your right about those jeans..if he ever puts them on ebay, I would definantly snatch them up!!

One of the sisters,

Rusty

Sis, I don't think an ebay auction is what Judith meant by:

If you ask me, their plan is to try and get Dave out of those pants."

This may refer back to the "crackers" remark in Chapter 1: If The Shoe Fitts.

As for me, I can neither confirm nor deny any such plan.

The "inappropriate" sister,

Laura

[Miss Fitt 2]

Epilogue


Somewhere backstage…

I thought I smelled chicken wings, but I must have taken a wrong turn. “Hello?" Where is everyone?

Terrain…complain…clogged drain…Bob Crane. Nope, still not right.

Hmmm, if Pluto and Goofy were both dogs, why did Goofy wear pants?

♪ Conjunction junction, what's your function?♪
You know… that wouldn't make a bad cover. Maybe I'll bring it up with the guys.

Hey, there's that girl who used to travel to all the shows. What's her name? Dammit.


"Hi honey. Nice to see you. It's been a while."

"Hey Dave. Great show."

"Thanks. Sorry I messed up that one song. Thanks for trying to mouth the lyrics to me… although I think you got confused, too. I don't have any songs where I say ‘I love you.' I don't write love songs, remember?"

"Oh, right. Yes, I… um…must have confused that song with something else."

"So, do you still post on that web site you told me about? One of the roadies was telling me there's some sort of satire in progress."

"First of all, they're not roadies; they're techs. It's technical. You of all people should know that, Dave. But yes, there is a spoof. I'm the one writing it, actually. In fact, you're in it right now."

"I'm in the spoof now? Wait…does that mean you're in your own spoof?"

"Yes I am. Does it make me look fat?"

"No.”

“Whew.”

“It's those jeans that make you look fat. Ha!"

"Nice."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. That kind of stuff drives my girlfriend crazy."

"That's okay. I'm the one writing your dialogue, so if I want to get mad at anyone, I have to get mad at myself."

"What am I going to say next?"

"Why don't you just say what's on your mind?"

"I must say, you're looking especially lovely tonight."

"Aw, thanks, Dave."

"And I'd like to thank you for being the inspiration for so much of my work."

"You're very welcome, Dave."

"In another time and place, I think you and I could have had something really special."

"That's sweet of you, Dave, but you're really not my type."

"Very funny."

"Thanks. I'm certainly entertianing myself."

"Since you're so good at putting words in my mouth, do you want to do my interviews for me?"

"Sure! How's this for an answer: ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am working on material for a new album.' "

"Okay, maybe that's not a good idea."

"Fine. Well at least while I have you here, you can answer a few of my questions."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really."

"Okay, shoot.”

"What's the story behind the cough at the beginning of Never Really Been?

"Um… there's a cough? That was probably me coughing."

"Thanks for clearing that up. Okay, what’s up with the Holiday Inn plate on your telecaster?"

"Um… I just ripped it off the desk of the hotel we were staying at once, and stuck it on my guitar. Bam… like that."

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

"Well, since you're always talking about sleeping on people's sofas in the old touring days, I thought it might be a souvenir of the first time the band stayed in a real hotel."

"Oooh, that’s a better story. Can I use that?"

"Feel free."

"Thanks. Okay, you get one more."

"Um… who would win in a fight between the letter M and the letter K and why?"

"Now that’s a great question. This is actually something I've thought about quite a bit, and I'm going to have to go with K. I know M is the popular favorite because of his strong center of gravity, but that also makes him sluggish. Meanwhile, K not only has the one-two punch; he can throw in some scissor-kick action to finish things off."

"K was my choice, too."

"You know, I never get that question. Most people ask me who would win in fight between the letter S and the letter A… when the answer is so obviously S."

"Well, duh."

"Okay, now I get to ask you some questions."

"Fair enough."

"Why do you ETSA guys obsess about me so much?"

"That question is disingenuous. You know the answer; you just want to hear me say it."

"You're right. Say… why isn't it just 'ingenuous'? Don't the 'dis' and the 'in' cancel each other out?"

"No. 'Ingenuous' actually means sincere, and 'genuous' on its own is not a word. That counts as your second question, by the way. You have one more."

"Um… let me think. Okay, I've got it. Where was I really in 1993? I mean, I know where I was physically and what I was doing. But where was I and what does it all mean? And what's the relationship of our past to our present? And of our past selves to the people we are now? Do you think that our past lives and prior choices exist in some parallel universe and if we could only find the portal, we could step inside and live out other options? And how do we know the lives we're living now aren't really just a waking dream or a memory playing in our brain waves while we lie in a dormant state in some future we can't possibly imagine?"

"Gee, that's a pretty metaphysical question, Dave. I don't think I have the answer."

"Sigh."

"What's wrong?"

"It's just that I always tend to overestimate the intelligence of my audience."

"I'm sorry. But we can continue the way we have been, right?"

"Of course."

"Good. See you at the next show."

"Hey, wait a sec."

"Yes, Dave?"

"While we're here, do you want to make out or something?"

"If you insist. Let me just turn this thing off first."

[Twiddly Dee]

the special mention in your story.

Awww...thanks so much Judith for the shout out!! And your right about those jeans..if he ever puts them on ebay, I would definantly snatch them up!!

One of the sisters,

Rusty

Sis, I don't think an ebay auction is what Judith meant by:

If you ask me, their plan is to try and get Dave out of those pants."

Laura

I know but thats exactly how everyone would expect me to answer so I decided to go in the other direction..haha Plus I do have to say its pretty true...The other part I will just keep dreaming about...LOL

[norma023]

Funny stuff there Miss !

You are correct though in this investigation (that that info was incorrect that is)

"Ain't That Tough"
Last time played: 11-07-90 @ Cotton Club, Atlanta, GA

Actually, going from "known" records, would you believe that that song has only been played 19 times ?!?

Chapter 10: The Unusual Suspects
"Well there's this Norma character. She appears to be conducting her own investigation that goes all the way back to the mid-80s. Check these out.”

“Interesting. She's certainly got some very detailed records.”

“If we play our cards right, we might be able to pool our resources, but first I need to know what her game is."

"Any ideas for how you might establish contact?"

"I was thinking of sending her a PM asking about the last time Ain't that Tough was played in concert."

"Hmmmm... might be too obvious." (Snaps fingers) "I've got it! Hop on one of the regular discussion threads and casually remark that Ain't that Tough hasn't been played since 1992."

(Consulting notes)

"But I don't think that's right."

"Exactly. She'll show herself faster than you can say 'Runaway Train.' "

[CrazyLittleWoman]

I know but thats exactly how everyone would expect me to answer so I decided to go in the other direction..haha Plus I do have to say its pretty true...The other part I will just keep dreaming about...LOL

Yeah, I almost said something about getting into those pants vs. getting Dave out of them, then figured it was too easy. Besides, either way works.

An ebay auction is probably a more realistic way to get into them, though.