While You Were Outpatients: An Ongoing Investigation

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 7: Long Way Gnome


"I'm glad I let you talk me into coming to Minneapolis with you, and I really appreciate you offering to show me around, but I don’t know… I guess I thought we would have gone on the river walk or visited a museum or done something more touristy by now."

"What are you talking about? We did go to a museum!"

"I mean a museum where you can see art or something. Not some dusty old archive that your weird British friend recommended. I don't even like to look at my own paperwork. Why would you want to go through all those boxes?”

"Well forgive me for thinking you might be interested in some Minneapolis history."

"Oh, don’t be hurt. I just meant I thought we'd see some fun sights. Not do stuff that felt like research. That’s all."

"Didn’t you enjoy the Daniel Corrigan photo exhibit?"

"Well sure. I didn't really know most of those bands but it was interesting. Although we probably didn't need to watch that video slide show for three and a half hours."

"But there were 18 Soul Asylum pictures in the loop! You wouldn't want to come all this way and miss a rare photo of Dave would you?”

“God forbid. Seriously, though, at least three of them looked exactly the same."

"What?! Then you weren't looking close enough! We'll have to go back tomorrow.”

"No, no, I was just kidding! Um, the one of him onstage with his hair covering one-third of his face was so much cooler than the full-coverage or half-coverage shots."

"That was my favorite stage shot, too! What was your favorite 'Dave smoking' photo?"

"Um, too hard to decide. On a different note, I appreciate you giving me the inside scoop on Midwest protocol so I don’t commit any cultural faux pas. Like this 'Make Levees, Not War’' shirt you gave me to wear. I had no idea it would be so meaningful here. Are Minneapolis and New Orleans sister cities or something??"

"Yeah, that works."

"Pardon?"

"You know, opposite ends of the Mississippi. It creates a spirit of solidarity.”"

"I guess that makes sense. By the way, I like your t-shirt, too…although I had no idea you were a cheerleader. But that bag you’re carrying must be getting heavy."

"The load is light when doing Dave's work."

"What was that? You're mumbling."

"I said 'all in a day’s work.' Just a figure of speech."

"Got it. Hey, we've been walking a long time. The guidebook doesn't even mention the Kenwood area as an attraction. Are you sure this is the direction we want to be heading in?"

"Um.. yeah. I followed his directions to the letter. This should be it."

"Whose directions? Where are we?"

"Oh… we’re not far from the lakes."

"But I think I saw a sign to the lakes in that direction. This is just a bunch of big houses. Pretty houses, but I don't see much else. I better check the map."

"Here, give me a boost."

"Okay. Wait… what?? What are you doing? Why are we climbing this fence? I thought you were taking me to a coffee house."

"Um… short cut."

"Gail, this is someone's house! We're on private property!"

"Oh relax. I'm not going to take anything. I just need to drop something off."

“What's that? Let me see. Insomniac Dreams? Is this a manuscript??”

"He'll understand."

"Who'll understand?” (Pauses and looks around) "I’ll tell you this... whoever it is, he sure keeps his lawn nice. Hey! What are you doing now?"

"I'll just be half a minute."

"You're not seriously stopping to weed that garden?"

"I’m just helping out. You're the one who remarked on the lawn."

"Wait… did you just slip one of those weeds into your pocket?"

"I’m interested in it for horticultural reasons. It's perfectly normal!"

"Where are you going now? Seriously, we better get out of here. Hey, what are you doing with that garden gnome! You're going to set off some sort of…"

Eeeieeeieeeieeeieee! Eeeieeeieeeieeeieee! Eeeieeeieeeieeeieee!


(Later, at the police station)

"Hey, sorry I got here late. I heard the police apprehended one of those ETSA cultists! They caught her stealing a garden gnome from Dave Pirner's yard or something?”

"Not stealing a garden gnome; placing a garden gnome."

“Placing a garden gnome?”

“Yeah, we found this note next to it. Have a look.”

(Reading)

"'In case you ever get gnome-sick for the gnome you never had.' Ouch. She should be locked up for that."

“Well, we figured she would only wiggle her way out on an insanity plea, so we went ahead and called in a psych consult."

"What did he have to say?"

"He says it's an illness and there's really no cure, and the best course of action is to try diversion therapy."

"You mean aversion therapy?"

"No, diversion therapy. Right now, they're showing her pictures of Evan Dando."

"But won't that just cause the same problem for Evan Dando?"

"What's your point?"

"Right. So what's next?"

"I’m figuring that out. But I think it might be time to go after one of the ring leaders."



To be continued

[philipgar]

and you just gave all of us in the chatroom something to talk about

Phil

[Twiddly Dee]

HA! I was just saying in the chat room how I wish you would post another chapter! Thanks

Rusty

[sheryl]

he sure keeps his lawn nice.

he do be the lawn guy, for true

[Homesick]

'In case you ever get gnome-sick for the gnome you never had.'

[Farsan Baloo]

I like your story, but I guess there is very much subtext that I do not understand.

[jeweleanne]

Loving the story. Have to put in a request for a chapter featuring our mutual friend, aka pathorses.

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 8: Let Your Jim Light Shine


"According to our intel, that's him, but he doesn't look like our photo. He does look familiar, though."

"You think he's altered his appearance to thwart our investigation? Maybe he's wearing a disguise to try and throw us off the scent."

"Could be. He certainly has aliases. Sometimes he goes by Monolith Maniac; sometimes he calls himself the Judge. But I don't think he's trying to divert us. I mean, he comes right out and signs his work – actually admits he's the moderator."

"He just can't resist leaving a calling card, eh?"

"Better move in before he reconnoiters with some of his followers."

Minutes later…

"Excuse me, sir? Can I see some I.D.?"

"They already checked my I.D. at the door. I have my wrist band, see?"

"Routine security.

"Okay. Here you go."

"Um, you don't look much like your picture, Mr. Metz. New hairstyle?"

"You noticed! Does it remind you of anyone?"

"Um.. I'm not really good at..."

"Oh."

"Um… I'm going to go out on a limb here and say…Dave Pirner?"

"Thanks! Do you really think it looks like him?"

"Sure. Absolutely."

"Oh good. I tried the way he's wearing it now, but that's a hard one to pull off. I just ended up looking like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, so I went for classic Dave."

"Good choice. How do you get your hair all matted like that, anyway?"

"I have a little secret, actually." (Whispering) "I use lemon gelatin! It enhances the blond sheen; plus I have a tendency to chew on my hair, and it's good for snackin'."

"Very resourceful. So what is it that attracts you so strongly to Soul Asylum's work?"

"Gosh, the music really speaks for itself."

(Consulting research notes)

"You mean... the intelligent lyrics, the energetic live shows, the loud guitars?"

"Well, sure. There's that. But it's really the little things."

"Such as?"

"Well, the way they do a song like Summer of Drugs and just take it to a whole new level. For example, 'summer' has two m's in it, of course, but Dave pronounces it like there are three. I love that."

"I see."

"Or the way he deliberately muffles the lyrics of Whoa! so it sounds like he's saying 'To the dust bin with my clothes.' Genius!"

"Got it. Let's talk about…"

"Or how at 2:18 minute mark of Masquerade, he sings like he has a hairball. I thought at first he had a poppy seed stuck in his teeth that he was trying to suck out, but I ran the song through some audio software, slowed it down, brought up the vocals, and it's actually a popcorn kernel. Jiffy Pop by the sound of it. Frankly, I think it makes the song."

"Right. I think I've got the idea."

"Or how at the 1:06 minute mark of Bitter Pill, nothing special happens at all. Not a lot of artists would take that kind of chance."

"Okay, we should really move on. This sounds like a little more than a music appreciation thing, Mr. Metz. It sounds like it's also about Dave personally."

"Well, of course! Besides being an artist and visionary, he's also the sort of guy you just know you could be best friend with."

"And why is that?"

"Well, there's his sense of humor, of course. You have to love that."

"Right. The pirate jokes."

"There's that, sure. But it's the way he clowns around off-stage, too. Like the way he used to pretend to forget my name whenever he saw me. What a kidder! Or how he sometimes acts like he doesn't know where he is. Comedy gold!"

"I can see how that would be very charming."

"Say, do you have many more questions? I'm supposed to meet up with some other residents before the show. We're going to have a conversation speaking only in passages from Soul Asylum songs!"

"That does sound like fun. Just one more quick question if you don't mind."

"Yes sir, no sir, let me go sir. I've had all that I can take today."

"I'm sorry, this won't take…"

"I'm not amused, I'm not upset, don't need a leash, I'm not your pet!"

"Okay, Mr. Metz. I get it. We're done here. There's no need to get snippy."

"Ha ha. I was doing it just then!"

"Huh? Oh, the lyric thing. Okay, Mr. Metz, go have a good time."


Later…

"How did things go with Metz?"

"Dammit!"

"What? Did you miss a clue?"

"I just thought of one!"

"One what? A new lead? Another suspect?"

"A lyric! I could have said 'Seems like I should be getting somewhere. Somehow I'm neither here nor there.'"

"Wait… you're quoting Soul Asylum songs?"

"Maybe I can PM him on the site."

"Um, I think you've been on this case too long."


To be continued

[pathorses]

OK, this is just getting better and better.........and I haven't even met Jim (yet!)
Pat

[Monolith Maniac]

Absolutely hilarious Judith; got me almost down to a tee. Good thing I didn't have anything in my mouth at the time, otherwise it would have been one of those "I just spit _____ all over my monitor" moments.

Chapter 8: Let Your Jim Light Shine

"He just can't resist leaving a calling card, eh?"

Yeah, they're right; I should leave one.